im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's official drugs can't kill me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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