Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
