Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
