you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
