I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
