i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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