i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
