Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
