I accidentally burped into my bong.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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