Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
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