My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
