you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
