I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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