Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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