i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
