True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
