Betty ford says i'm here all night
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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