I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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