Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
