Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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