And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
