My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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