If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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