yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
