eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
