If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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