I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
