I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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