I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
