Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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