I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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