I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
