I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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