Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
