pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
