It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
