Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He has the fingertips of a God
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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