I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Can you bring me the toilet please
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
