Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
