Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
never play flip cup with pint glasses
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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