Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
