I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
