I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
