How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
