Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Actions speak louder than pants.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
