Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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