My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Is it penis luge time yet?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
