apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
