just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
