my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
