I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We talked him into tasing himself.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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